Finished version of earlier posted unfinished fairy.
She’s pretty 
her name is Nasai and I created her from a drawing from my sketchbook. I took a photo of her, traced around the lines (no graphics tablet! Mouse only!) and began to colour her in, layer by layer. I then added shadows, highlights, photofilters, gradient maps etc until the end product arrived… and here she is! Voila!
Politics exam was awful. Hahaha. The first thing I said upon leaving the hall was “RESITS!!!”, smiling as I put all the stupid biros in my bag, checking that all my stuff hadn’t been stolen; and it hadn’t, so my stupid paranoia throughout the exam was satisfied. We’d not been given any proper practise questions, that was the main problem for me. As well as having only properly started revising the previous day.
I’m a bit crap at revising anyway you see, but when faced with life problems all at the same time I generally just don’t bother.
Anyway, I had my second bout of history exams. Russian history this time and haha I’m expecting the worst. I only revised half the syllabus, however I suppose at least I had revised at all. The questions I found quite hard and it was a really boring exam. But it was my last one! so I was just glad to be out of there. Even though I wanted to drop history and carry on politics, after that exam I am really not sure. I will drop the one that I fail the worst, and retake any exams for the other that I get lower than a B in.
And oh yes! I’m out of the horrible mess I was in on the 3rd! 
I’m so lucky that I got out of that. Now just afew problems remain but that one is lifted and I am feeling a LOT better than before. I’m no longer so stuck. I’m playing a different waiting game now. But this wait I won’t mind so much.
The manga thingie was fun on Thurs. I didn’t cosplay in the end as I didn’t get the time to complete it, but it was mainly a plug for Tokyopop and Nintendo anyways m’dears. Free food and freebies though and I bought a book on Japanese fashion (it fascinates me!) so I was happy
I’ve been drawing a lot recently, and in photoshopness I’ve scanned my pictures in, traced over them with the mouse and coloured them in on different layers, added shadows and stuff I’m quite pleased with them, I’ll post afew…
This one is not finished, but youget the idea of what I’m doing and how I’m doing it, ne? I haven’t yet filled in all the white spaces, but once I’ve finished colouring in, I will.
Much love, me! xD
It’s just a matter of time before it detonates. A matter of time where I will have to dabble at this waiting game, counting down time until my world implodes. Why does this all have to happen at the same time? Exams which I’ve barely revised for, the possibility of having epilepsy, the possibility of being kicked out, the possibility of losing… everything…
I’m sitting here picking at single grains of rice, each one tedious. I won’t say more than this today.
♥
Well anyway, something to blog about today. Erm… I need to start revising for my Politics exams which are all on Tuesday, one after the other… deja vu. Sorry does that ever happen to you? I could have sworn I typed that before… oh well. Anyway, 3 modules:
It’s quite interesting, but hard to begin. And I don’t have all that long left. And quite honestly my mind is on other things. All I want to do is paint right now. Or run away from everything.
Or was she just scaring me? Hmm. Well, today I went to the doctor’s. Since I was 9, I’ve had random blackoutty type things where I lose my vision, my hearing, control of my body, I can only hear a high pitched ringing noise that hurts my head, I can only see flashing lights that alternate between dark and light, and for about 30 seconds to a minute I can’t move my body and slump on my desk (it usually occurs randomly in lessons). It happens about 6-7 times a year roughly, and I get a headache after but I don’t think much of it because it doesn’t happen often.
I went to the doctor’s last year about it when it started getting bad but they told me not to worry, that it was maybe some sort of stress related migraine. But today I went because it’s happened 3 times in the last 2 weeks, and when I explained it to her she said something along the lines of
“Gahhhh. Come back next week and we’ll do a thorough examination, refer you to a neurologists who will probably give you a brain scan. It could be epilepsy. You must come back.”
So now I’m very paranoid. I don’t want to take pills for the rest of my life. I won’t take pills for the rest of my life in fact, I will refuse I won’t care if it gets worse. I don’t want to be surviving on pills, I won’t let that happen, I won’t.
Well, I am going to document it from now on when it happens so I can remember when I have to tell them about it.
The last few times I remember…
23rd May- was in the cinema watching Spiderman 3… suddenly I heard the ringing and after that I lost my vision and I put myself in the recovery position sort of, I put my head into my lap with my hands over my head before I lost control of my body, at which point my hands fell to the floor and my head felt very heavy but I couldn’t move it. I stayed like that for a while, and after it hurt a lot and well I cried. After the film I went to buy paracetamol and it helped a bit.
24th May- this day I remember slipping out of consciousness afew times, I had a headache and I felt very dizzy, I lay on the couch most of the day feeling completely out of it. I fell when I went to make lunch, and my body felt heavier than usual to carry when I walked. I didn’t move much because it made the ringing worse. The ringing was on and off.
31st May- yesterday! Erm… well I was studying in the library, reading up on the Russian revolution, when out of nowhere came the ringing again. I ignored it for a while but after some time it became unbearable, as my head began to hurt as well and I felt dizzy. So I took paracetamol and it eased abit, I didn’t actually black out this time, but it felt as if I could at any moment, so I went home after a while just incase.
So I will have to wait! And see what happens with this brain scan. I’ll keep you posted. Hell, maybe it’s not even epilepsy anyway, the first doctor I saw didn’t seem to think it was anything. I hope it’s nothing.
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I like the fire effect I somehow created coming out of my head, and I like the bit in the left hand corner where my face is kind of melting into the background… internal inferno… I think you probably understand what flame I refer to…
I’ve gotten better at photoshop today, I’m quite pleased with my attempts at it this evening lookies… *inserts image*
I dunno who she is but she’s very pretty and I made her background thingie. I also made a signature of a anime person I was going to cosplay as, but as I don’t have enough time to assemble her costume, I am going to cosplay as American McGee’s Alice instead. I’ll show you because she’s pretty and I’m quite pleased with it
And finally, here is what I have so far of my Alice McGee costume! (Don’t get scared! 
:P:P)
Oh and as promised… an emoticon.
Moved to the end as of 7/10/2007 because I don’t want people to see it first thing…
[size=1]Cut. Such an ugly word. Say it over and over, feel it bounce off your tongue and roll clumsily off your lips like a bad dream. You won’t wake up from it, because the lines are vivid every day and the fuckers never heal no matter what you put on it. I didn’t want to write about this but they say admitting is the first step to healing. And fuck I need to heal.
Notice how I’m avoiding it, how I’m not saying it outright… I’ll critique endlessly, it’s like an arguement sometimes. Most nights. I feel I’m walking about with my eyes closed- what do other people see that I can’t?
And all these resources they give me, they tell me “you’re doing it to cope” or “it’s better than suicide” and so on… to an extent I guess, but that’s hardly what goes through my mind. I barely even have thoughts I just have this rushing anger that won’t be satisfied until it has… well yeh. And even when I wash it and put it back in the drawer my heart still beats really really fast, and even when I’ve tied the bandage and sunk back onto my bed, I can’t calm down. I have to restrain myself, I can’t let my anger have what it wants.
Do I even want it? Well no but… and then he… hmm.[/size]
Aargh. No I can’t write it. I don’t know how much of my world I should share with you, people who randomly tag-surf to find and read my stupid musings. I am trapped.
There’s nothing I can do but wait.
Meanwhile anyway, erm… blah. Sorry. What a waste of cyberspace.I can’t do this.
I really have nothing to write today. I feel empty. Therefore I’ll just write here the words of others that keep me company in dark times…
“The darkness is death – we can speak, but we are not heard. We can scream but they turn their backs. We can run, but we cannot catch them. It is the dream where arms and legs won’t work they way they should, and the air is too thick to breathe. Loved ones walk a mile ahead, forgetting to stop as we fall behind. This is the reality of the darkness. We are buried alive inside ourselves. “
- Dana-Christene Umanetz
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“I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room,
Safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.I am a rock,
I am an island.And a rock can feel no pain;
And an island never cries.”
-Simon and Garfunkel
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“To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.”-William Blake
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“Are you afraid, afraid of the truth
In the mirror staring back at you.
The image is cracked but so is the view, here.
And the strength of a tree begins in the roots
That I tend bury into you
At least now the storm can’t blow me away.”-Staind
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“It is autumn and the leaves are falling
All love has died on earth
The wind is weeping with sorrowful tears
My heart will never hope for a new spring again
My tears and my sorrows are all in vain
People are heartless, greedy and wicked…Love has died!
The world has come to its end, hope has ceased to have a meaning
Cities are being wiped out, shrapnel is making music
Meadows are coloured red with human blood
There are dead people on the streets everywhere
I will say another quiet prayer:
People are sinners, Lord, they make mistakes…The world has ended!”
-Laszlo Javor
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“Sunday is Gloomy,
My hours are slumberless,
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken youNot where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you
Gloomy SundaySunday is gloomy
with shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there’ll be flowers and prayers that are sad,
I know, let them not weep,
Let them know that I’m glad to goDeath is no dream,
For in death I’m caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I’ll be blessing you
Gloomy Sunday”
-Desmond Carter (adapted from above)
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“Death is nothing to us, since when we are, death has not come, and when death has come, we are not.”
-Epicurus
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“Wild animals never kill for sport. Man is the only one to whom the torture and death of his fellow creatures is amusing in itself.”
-James A. Froude
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“To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.”
-William Shakespeare
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“What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be not forever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
Grief not, rather find,
Strength in what remains behind,
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be,
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of Human suffering,
In the faith that looks through death
In years that bring philophic mind.”
-William Wordsworth
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No, I didn’t memorise these. They were some that came to mind and I searched on the internet to find them in their entirety for ease of copying and pasting. And afew others.
But I’m crazily hyper. Haha. Ha. I’m on top of the world, quite literally.
I’m having such a wonderful time with this computer. Today it crashed and told me this:
Problem caused by Device Driver
You received this message because a device driver installed on your computer caused the Windows operating system to stop unexpectedly. This type of error is referred to as a “stop error.” A stop error requires you to restart your computer.
More information
Problem report summary
Problem type Windows stop error (a message appears on a blue screen with error code information) Solution available? No What does this problem mean? Windows has encountered a problem it cannot recover from and it needs to be restarted Cause Unknown Computer symptoms A message appears on a blue screen with error code information (for example: 0×0000001E, KMODE_EXCEPTION_NOT_HANDLED) Additional steps for you to take Please continue to send problem reports so analysts at Microsoft can study and try to correct the problem as quickly as possible
However, I had nothing plugged in that I normally don’t… :\ so I don’t understand. At all. 
Oh dear. I’ve been having a lot of fun with the computer this morning, as I have for the past week or so… it’s near breaking completely, I’m pretty sure of this. It takes a looooooooong time to load up, because it keeps restarting itself before it gets to the login page, and sometimes it asks me “Do you want to go into safe mode?” and sometimes it says “CMOS BAD. Press F1 to fuck about with the settings, or F2 to load defaults and continue.” Being CMOS illiterate, I don’t know what the hell that means. So I press F2, and after afew more restarting attempts, I can access the computer again. Today was different though, it came up with this:
Problem caused by a hard disk drive error
Windows was temporarily unable to read your hard disk drive. This problem is general in nature and we are unable to determine the specific cause of the problem from the error report. In most cases this problem is temporary and can be ignored.
Common causes of this problem include:
- Large file transfers from secondary media, such as an external hard drive, to a local hard drive.
- The loss of power to a hard disk drive that causes inconsistent data sectors.
- Problems entering Hibernation or Standby Mode.
- Hard drive lag caused by filter drivers, such as virus scanners.
Troubleshooting
The following steps are provided as general troubleshooting steps that might or might not prevent the problem from recurring. If you cannot resolve the problem using the following steps or are uncomfortable performing them, we recommend you contact your computer manufacturer for assistance.
- Back up your files and folders immediately to prevent potential data loss. Go online to read the article How to Use the Backup Utility to Back Up Files and Folders in Windows XP Home Edition to learn how to backup your data.
- Run a hard disk drive error checking tool. Go online to read the article How to perform disk error checking in Windows XP to learn how to run a hard disk drive error checking utility.
- Make sure the drive cables are plugged in. If they are plugged in and you’re still receiving errors, consider replacing the drive cables.
Note: As a general rule, we recommend you backup your files on a regular basis in case of any unexpected hardware problems.
So erm… I’m going to follow it’s instructions, and hope for the best. I’m backing up my files at the moment, first will back up anime, then will backup photos, music, documents etc… then I’m going to run that hard disk drive error checking tool, as I’m pretty goddamn sure there’s errors causing it not to want to start first thing when you want it to.
