Oh help me

At this moment I just want to [deleted] and [deleted] and [deleted] and [deleted] and [deleted] and [deleted] till there’s nothing left to [deleted] at all. I am so frustrated by having to stay here. There is no alternative. I’m tired of playing the waiting game. I’m fed up of having to bend and bow to others, why must I live in this way to suit them, why may I not have my own ideals? Why may I not even breathe the air I want to? Why may I not live in a place free from hatred and disdain? I am so tired, I am so fed up, I am shaking as I type these words, somehow out of fear of being seen to type them, somehow out of disbelief that I’ve allowed it to grow to such a point that these words are mine. And the words are mine, and this is one of very very very few outlets. I feel crazy sometimes, and it builds and builds, oh my hell why has it gotten so extreme? My councellor said something the other day, it upset me that she even acknowledges that I am in this situation with no way out at all. She said “you see, I normally work with adults with problems like these. But they have the ability to change things in their lives because they have control. As a child, you have to rely on others. But yet you’re not a child anymore, the problems you are facing shouldn’t have to be faced by young people, and as a result, you’re trapped.” And now I’ve started crying. Because she’s so right. But that means if even she can’t see a way out for me… I just don’t know what to do. I’m so fed up. I’m so scared. I’m so crazy. It seems that no one can help me. She is the only one I’ve told the extent of how things are at the moment, I’ve not even told [him] exactly what it is… but both he and she are powerless to do anything, there is no one who can do anything, least of all myself. Fuck these tears because they won’t do anything. Fuck the blood because that won’t do anything. I am well and truly trapped and no one knows. Except ye who stumble upon these words amongst the many trillions upon trillions of words in this vast stretch of cyberspace. I’m terrified. I’m well and truly pushed to my limits, I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this. The one way out would be cowardly and leave a lot of others questions. But fuck the others. Because it is all of them who make me crazy like this. But wait no, I’m not worthy to lay fingers of blame upon them because they don’t even wonder to question such things like these. I wish I could learn to be like that. Control control. Damn I wish I had that. Like those adults my councellor speaks of. I ENVY them. Envy is such a disease, isn’t it? If I can’t have it, no one can. Well I guess I don’t think quite like that. It’s more a jealousy teamed with spiteful hatred and despisal of their smiles, their actual, real smiles that are symbols of their utterly blissful lives. You can tell when a smile is real or not because of the wrinkles that appear at the sides of their eyes. They are real alright. Genuinely happy to be in the company of others, genuinely happy to be truly themselves, them, to have control over their lives, their bodies, their moods, emotions, future, past. Past. Haha don’t even go there I don’t want to remember it any more. I’m so fed up. Completely, utterly fed up. I’ll write again later. It’s good to get it out of my system, I suppose.

~ by Vicki on June 16, 2007.