Exerts from Life…

Standit | Love From Above Could Save Me From Hell| says:
haha hows things with the boy?
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
not great again v__v
Standit | Love From Above Could Save Me From Hell| says:
naww!!
Standit | Love From Above Could Save Me From Hell| says:
whats the trouble now?
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
it all boils back to the same things… fidelity blah blah.
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
i’ve never been unfaithful to him
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
not once in 2 and a half years.
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
but he still can’t trust me.
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
it’s truly soul-crushing
Standit | Youll Never See Me Fall From Grace| says:
i can understand that
Standit | Youll Never See Me Fall From Grace| says:
*puts myself between you and soul being crushed*
Standit | Youll Never See Me Fall From Grace| says:
HA!
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
*smiles a bit* thanks
Standit | Youll Never See Me Fall From Grace| says:
your welcome
Standit | Youll Never See Me Fall From Grace| says:
just remember that love conquers all
Standit | Youll Never See Me Fall From Grace| says:
so this will fade perhaps
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
i really wish that it would
Standit | Youll Never See Me Fall From Grace| says:
wishes come true
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
i’ve made the same wish for 3 birthdays running and it’s still here

Mr Colander… says:
can i still see you everyday though? and are u gna let anyone in your room? and are you gna drink?
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
you probably won’t be able to see me every day, no unless they’re girl friends, and yes occasionally but not to stupid extremes because i’m not there to party and have a good time, i’m there to work and get my foundation degree so i can pursue my dream, so that is what i am there to do
Mr Colander… says:
i dont want you to drink
Mr Colander… says:
why would you drink at all
Mr Colander… says:
you better not with any guys, if i find out, i will kill them and gety locked up, i dont care
Mr Colander… says:
\AND YOU KBNOWQ YOU WILL YOU FUCKING BITXH
Mr Colander… says:
AND YOU WILL GET DRUNK
Mr Colander… says:
WHORE
Mr Colander… says:
WHORE
Mr Colander… says:
WHORE
Mr Colander… says:
IF YOUR GNA DRINK I AM GOING TO COME AND SEE YOU EVERYDAYT
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
that’s why you need help
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
that’s outrageous
Mr Colander… says:
ITS THE TRUTH
Mr Colander… says:
IM NOT BACKING DSOWN ON IT
Mr Colander… says:
I WILL BECOME AND ALCHOHOLIC AND DIE, SO I CAN SHOW YOU HOW EVIL IT IS
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
that’s why you need help.
Mr Colander… says:
WELL IM GOING TO DO IT NOW
Mr Colander… says:
TOUGH
Mr Colander… says:
YOUR A WHORE WHEN YOU DRNK
Mr Colander… says:
AND I KNOW THAT
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
i’m not
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
but you need help
Mr Colander… says:
ACTUALLY
Mr Colander… says:
NO
Mr Colander… says:
IM GNA START DRINKING NPOW
Mr Colander… says:
AND IM GNA GET SO ILL
Mr Colander… says:
SO YOU DONT DO IT THEN
Mr Colander… says:
SO YOU KNOW
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
there’s a difference between drinking and drinking to excess
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
and trust me i know that difference
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
because it wrecked my aunt and uncle’s marriage
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
he is now drinking himself to death on his boat
Mr Colander… says:
THEN WHAT IS DRINKING?
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
while she becomes a single parent raising two children under 11
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
evil when to excess. acceptable when drinking sociably
Mr Colander… says:
I THOUGHT YOU WERNT THERE TO HAVE A SICIAL LIFE
Mr Colander… says:
AND DRINKING SOCIAL IOS GBOING TOP GET FDUCKING OIN AN ALLY
Mr Colander… says:
YOU WHORE
Mr Colander… says:
ISEE IT IN MY HEAD
Mr Colander… says:
IU WANT TO OCM3E TGHERTE AND SITUCKING MY DAGHGER DSO FGAR UP YOUR UCVNT
Mr Colander… says:
AND YOU WILL NEVER USE IT AGAIN
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
i’m not there to have a social life, but i’m not going to be a loner either
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
okay
Mr Colander… says:
I HATE YOU
Gao The robots escaped from the factory and ran as far as their batteries would take them… says:
goodbye

Baby Steps

I was making baby steps till now, but today I fell down flat on my face.

I didn’t put my hands out to stop me falling because I’d forgotten how to.

I needed someone to hold onto those baby reins as I learned to walk again.
(But there was no one)

I needed someone to pick me up and wash and dress my grazed knees.
(But there was no one)

And then, there was someone. They seemed strong deep down, they seemed to know what to do.

That person was me.

I put my hands on the ground and pushed up hard, pulled myself right back up again.

With blood and mud on my hands, I staggered forward to struggle on with my baby steps.

In the hope that one day my childlike stagger will be a proud walk of an adult.

One whose baby shoes no longer fit the soles of their feet.

One whose shoes now tread the path of freedom and run in pursuit of happiness.

For the sake of…

For the sake of removing that post as my first post, I’m going to write a new one. I don’t want to appear an unhappy person, because I am naturally a very happy person, sadly whom bad things have happened to.

No, I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk of the happy things, of the wild and crazy weird things that twirl and coil in my head. Today it was as if someone had taken down the rainbow from the sky, ground it all up and sloshed it into a paint bucket. They then proceeded to splatter me from head to toe with that rainbow-coloured substance, and as a result I dressed in the most colourful fashion I’ve done for years. This is what I wore today, from toe to top…

Purple shoes with a small white bow each, black thigh high socks with rainbow coloured shoelaces tied around my ankles, each one adorned with fluorescent beads, a purple and dark green mini-skirt with a yellow belt and black and white checkered bracers which hung loosely, a pink and black polka-dot top underneath a black top with fishnet sleeves, many brightly coloured bracelets and bangles, a green beaded necklace, a white headband with a large red bow on it, and I took several sections of my hair and plaited them, each one secured with a different coloured band.

Hehehe ^__^ I’ve worn black nearly all the time for years and years, with occasional splashes of colour from time to time, but I guess most of the time I don’t want to be noticed, want to fade into the background, so black works well. I didn’t go out like that, I’d have had too many people looking at me. My cat found it fun to try and grab onto all the various things I was wearing, like I was a walking scratching post or something!!!

I spent today painting, doing something I love, and it was quite a good day. I painted from my imagination, of all the conspiracies I dream up and all the weird quirky stories I invent, the true identities of beings, the cat hat that eats people who is servant to the morphing magpies that lurk in sewers as onions with tentacles come sunset… have you ever seen a magpie at night? No? Didn’t think so. Now you know why. They cling to the drain covers with those suction pads and at dawn arise manifesting as pigeons and magpies… ah but I’ve told this tale before. You don’t believe me? Then I shall soon show you… when my damn scanner works >.< or I will take photos. Gao.

Bullying

Has anyone out there ever been bullied for/as a result of their self harm?

I want to share this story with you, as I’ve never spoken about it and it’s always hurt me… maybe some of you’ve had similar experiences… I’m ready to share it now, ready to move on. Ready to become a better person, a stronger person. Better than them.

I don’t want to be ashamed any more.

My classmates who had already bullied me before this particular incident saw all these cuts on my arms and legs in PE. It was as simple as that, the way in which they found out. They’d begun bullying me at age 12, and by this time I was 14. The bullying began to intensify, they formed a “secret society” in which they’d all meet at lunchtimes to find me and torment me, all because I was weak I suppose, I never really understood why. I was locked in cupboards (I am claustrophobic and they knew this) with a knife one of them brought in and told “If you want to die so badly, go on, kill yourself.” I screamed and screamed but no one could hear me, that happened several times. What else could I do? But cut more, or find other ways to hurt myself? I did the latter. I began drinking bleach and battery acid and anything else harmful I could lay my hands on. I regret not telling anybody. My life at high school was hell.

The next thing they did to me was they turned one of my few friends against me. She’d thrown a birthday sleepover, and invited me to go. I turned up to her house and they were all there, and all night they formed a circle around me and asked me all these questions about my self harm like why did I do it and why was I crying and all these horrible horrible questions I just didn’t want to answer. I somehow escaped from them and I locked myself in her bathroom all night. I could have slit my wrists that night with her own razor but I didn’t, I was too frightened of what they’d say if I survived it.

But the worst thing they did to me, was on our last year of high school.

Each year, every class has to give an assembly. These people chose the topics of our assembly, and they were all serious topics, like divorce, marriage, etc… and self harm. And guess who they voted to talk about that with? I told them I didn’t want to do it, but my teacher (who didn’t know) just said “Why? There’s no reason, just be mature about it and prepare your speech by Monday, I’ll expect you there.” I had to give a speech about it infront of the whole school. I was terrified, and close to tears because everything I was saying was what I really felt about myself and about others, and when I was talking about various ways of self harming that people do, when I mentioned bleach and battery acid… the entire school laughed at me. The entire school. An odd 1500 people laughed at me. Something I’ve done in my life, and they just took it as a joke. I spoke into the microphone “Don’t laugh,” and I tried to make it sound authoritative… but it just came out as a desperate plea, begging them to stop laughing, I don’t know why they found it so funny, other people’s unhappiness… All I could do was promise myself not to cry infront of them. Straight away after the assembly I ran and ran and ran until I reached the cubicle I’ve often hidden in, and I stayed there until my crying had stopped. I cut myself so much that night, deeper and more than I’d done for a long time, and then I drank until I passed out. I’m really glad that we are no longer in the same classes now we’re in 6th form.

I hate them so much, I hate them I hate them I hate them. Thinking about it still makes me want to die, even now I’m 17.

BUT I WON’T LET THEM WIN!

Long time…

Hey! Back from a long long period of not writing! Well here’s me, writing again. Not that many people really did read it. Time for some updates…

I got my AS level results, they were two As and two Bs which is a lot better than I was predicted! (Mainly Cs and Ds) so somehow I was able to come through in the end. I’ve chosen to drop Politics, as this was the subject I did the worst in, even though I enjoy it the most, I feel I was let down by teachers who had only a 75% attendance of our lessons.

My birthday passed, I went and had a meal with my friends after going ice skating, I had a nice time despite my father… I cried even on my birthday for the way he treats certain people…

I now have a kitten, he is adorable ^_^ his name is Jack, he’s brought so much happiness into my life, I love him to bits.

I’ve endured two family holidays. Neither were all that peaceful… ^_^”

I’ve spent most of the summer drawing, watching anime and doing housework. Fun I think no.

End. For now!

Morbid F, 16, seeks Epicurus (M or F -or anything else!- will do) to have philosophical arguements with… GSOH essential.

Hallo… this has been both depressing me and obsessing me for a while. I’ve read afew philosophical books to try and find other’s opinions on the meaning of life, but I simply cannot agree with any of them. I’ve come to a slightly nihilistic conclusion that there cannot be an ultimate meaning for being alive, although I want to be proved wrong, I want to find out that I’m wrong, I really do want there to be a meaning. Does there have to be a meaning? Some would say no, but if there is no meaning, then what is the point in existing? Why do we not all hurl ourselves off a cliff, a mass human suicide into the sea? “Death may be the greatest of human blessings” said Socrates. No. We don’t do that because there is some sort of hope that there is a reason why we’re here, even though we cannot know it, cannot see it.

Another of my favourite quotes to ponder upon is this one, by Epicurus: “Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.” I begin to almost have a conversation with him in my head at this point. I ask him, “but does death not rebute everything a person may have stood for in life?” and then “can there be a meaning in life therefore, if death erases and seemingly contradicts life and any meaning that a human being could have created?”

You know what, if any of you want to pretend to be Epicurus and argue back to me, that would be both entertaining and possibly quite helpful.

Game Over

Game over. I wish this game would end.
I am a puppet on life’s fragile string
I an waiting for the word to snap
or
for the puppetmaster sadist to tire of pulling me along
so that he might life the scissors of finality and
cut
me
loose…
Is the ground I
dangle upon so solid now?
On the other side of the coin perhaps I will fall for
eternity once freed, or maybe that golden thread is my
consciousness, and once
b
r
o
k
e
this wooden, calloused body
will d i s i n t e g r a t e
at touch of death.

I’ve rolled an unlucky five, placed down a bad hand too many
times now.
Won’t he be angry with me?

Blink. And. You’ll. Miss. It;

His anger divulged so far as to almost me, to let go
drop

of my weakened string and to catch me as if to say:
.
.
.
.
.
“Your fate at my fingertips.”

Perceived liberty sails the boat of many,
but my
sinking boat is full of holes, the water is devouring
me as the master laughs at my misfortunes.

Perhaps
that is just a reflection of human nature itself-
the desire for a high sense of
purpose.

The master’s cruelty.
The master’s compassion.

All are make-believe to satisfy mortal hallucinations
of
meaning and reason.

You can
only play
this game
once.

But when
you’re inevitably going to lose,
you just want to
switch off the console
and
pull out the plug.

.
.
.
The plug is like my string, waiting
to
snap

or be
cut.

Inspired by Sylvia Plath, I wrote this poem at a low point. Not like you’d guess that, of course. “-.- and grarrghh. WordPress removed all my formatting. It’s not as effective without it.

I by the way apologise for lack of blogging lately, computer (as you may have guessed) has just about had it.

What then?

What then?

What times are these, when there are no more words to write?
What times are these, when there are no more pictures to sight?
What times are these, when childhood leaves us through pain?
What times are these, when every storyland knight has been slain?
     When every pricess has been kissed & wed,
     Or fought for & rescued from her bed?
     When every foe has been defeated,
     Or every virus been deleted?
          -What then?

What times are these, when everything has been done before?
What times are these, when there is nothing left to explore?
What times are these, when we fight our brothers in war?
What times are these, when we know but choose to ignore?
     When every soldier lies bloody & dead,
     Or forever marches with helmeted head?
     When there is calm and peace amongst all who’ve wept,
     But not a man to enjoy it left.
          -What then?

What times are these, when our bodies can’t cope with modern life?
What times are these, when our faulty design just goes under the knife?
What times are these, when plastic aligns our to being a smile?
What times are these, when happiness is based on the things you buy, for a while?
     When every blemish has been smoothed over,
     When every bargain’s been snatched up.
     When every form is identical, the same,
     Like Stepford Wives with cloned D cups.
          -What then?

Tag-surfing-> a thankyou to the Bloggers of WordPress.

Today I went tagsurfing. I saw many little exerts from people’s lives, someone had started painting their appartment today with their loved one and had posted pictures of it on their blog, someone had written a poem about their wonderful pursuit of love, another had joined a Life Drawing Course, another has just today fixed a problem with their computer and is over the moon about it, another celebrates the wonderful art of the pre-Raphaelite era, an era that I too am very fond of, another speaks of her new-found self-confidence, discovered in the form of poetry, a poet’s words that have helped to pick her up and set her back on what she sees as the right path- good for her!-, another is visiting China for the first time and is sharing wonderful, beautiful images of their visit, another masterfully plays the piano for us, another contemplates on the evil that is a lack of English subtitles on certain animes, another is nearly 9 months pregnant and has partaken in a maternity photoshoot to comemorate this…

My point today is… all these wonderful, beautiful people here on the internet… each of you has something amazing to share, something that will enrich the hour of a reader, something you want to proclaim to the world, you are proud of it, happy to be here in some form or another. I see such ambition in all these blogs I’ve read today via the tagsurfer, each of you are wonderful.

I wish with all my heart that I could be like you people. And like any of you will ever read this, but thankyou.

Thankyou for giving me an insight into how life can be. How life can be wonderful, even if it is just a moment shared with a loved one, a stepping stone which proves how far you’ve both come together. Even if it is just the love, the chase and the pursuit itself is full of beauty, and that passion is something to live for. Even if it is just a drawing class- you’ve joined that in a wish to enrich and enhance your experience of life, and who knows? You could go so far. Even if it is just fixing a problem with your computer, hell, I can’t fix mine! You’ve overcome a difficulty, and one day you could even help others with what you’ve learnt from that experience. Even if it is just having a love of a certain era of painting, you’ve found an interest that will influence the way you’re living, if you’re an artist maybe will influence the way you express yourself in your art; it will give you a personal flair to enrich your life. Even if it is just picking yourself up off that floor through poetry- you’ve overcome something. I don’t know what it was, but you’ve pulled yourself up and moved on with your life and you should be damn proud that you have the strength of character to do that. Even if it is just visiting a foreign country and sharing your experience of it, that in itself will create so many beautiful memories for you, and the act of sharing is just as beautiful. Even if it is just performing the piano, how masterfully you play! For a long time you’ve worked to become so amazing, and it’s paid off- you are amazing. And your talent brings joy to so many. Even if it’s just complaining, you might even go on to do something about it, and help others who complain about the lack of English subtitles! Even if it’s just a maternity photoshoot, wow you will show that to your child when he or she is born, and you will kiss them and tell them how happy they make you, and how you cherish every moment with them, and always have done right from the start- that person could grow up to be like any one of these other people; the painter, the poet, the decorator, the artist, the traveller, the technician, the pursuer to name a few. And you will look back at their life and smile. And they will thank you for bringing them into this world where they can grow up to become one of these amazing people, whose lives I catch a glimpse at through the narrow space that is the tagsurf.

Thankyou for showing me those little snippets of your lives.

I wish I could lead as amazing lives as you can.

I hope one day I’ll overcome this.

So one day I could be a painter, a poet, a decorator, an artist, a traveller, a technician, or a pursuer.

One day.

…Oh one more thing. I came across a poem today, one line got me in particular. The poet’s name was Thomas Kareem, he entitles himself to be a BGTA (Black Gay Teen Artist), and he wrote this poem named “A Boy Like Me”, which really got me to think. I won’t post the whole poem for fear of plaguarism. But this poem, and these two lines of his brought me to tears.

Feet, don’t fail me now.
I got a long way to go.

Thankyou. I have a long way to go too. I just hope I can make it one day, like you’ve begun to make it. You’ll probably never read this, but you are a true artist, and your words inspired me today.

Oh help me

At this moment I just want to [deleted] and [deleted] and [deleted] and [deleted] and [deleted] and [deleted] till there’s nothing left to [deleted] at all. I am so frustrated by having to stay here. There is no alternative. I’m tired of playing the waiting game. I’m fed up of having to bend and bow to others, why must I live in this way to suit them, why may I not have my own ideals? Why may I not even breathe the air I want to? Why may I not live in a place free from hatred and disdain? I am so tired, I am so fed up, I am shaking as I type these words, somehow out of fear of being seen to type them, somehow out of disbelief that I’ve allowed it to grow to such a point that these words are mine. And the words are mine, and this is one of very very very few outlets. I feel crazy sometimes, and it builds and builds, oh my hell why has it gotten so extreme? My councellor said something the other day, it upset me that she even acknowledges that I am in this situation with no way out at all. She said “you see, I normally work with adults with problems like these. But they have the ability to change things in their lives because they have control. As a child, you have to rely on others. But yet you’re not a child anymore, the problems you are facing shouldn’t have to be faced by young people, and as a result, you’re trapped.” And now I’ve started crying. Because she’s so right. But that means if even she can’t see a way out for me… I just don’t know what to do. I’m so fed up. I’m so scared. I’m so crazy. It seems that no one can help me. She is the only one I’ve told the extent of how things are at the moment, I’ve not even told [him] exactly what it is… but both he and she are powerless to do anything, there is no one who can do anything, least of all myself. Fuck these tears because they won’t do anything. Fuck the blood because that won’t do anything. I am well and truly trapped and no one knows. Except ye who stumble upon these words amongst the many trillions upon trillions of words in this vast stretch of cyberspace. I’m terrified. I’m well and truly pushed to my limits, I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this. The one way out would be cowardly and leave a lot of others questions. But fuck the others. Because it is all of them who make me crazy like this. But wait no, I’m not worthy to lay fingers of blame upon them because they don’t even wonder to question such things like these. I wish I could learn to be like that. Control control. Damn I wish I had that. Like those adults my councellor speaks of. I ENVY them. Envy is such a disease, isn’t it? If I can’t have it, no one can. Well I guess I don’t think quite like that. It’s more a jealousy teamed with spiteful hatred and despisal of their smiles, their actual, real smiles that are symbols of their utterly blissful lives. You can tell when a smile is real or not because of the wrinkles that appear at the sides of their eyes. They are real alright. Genuinely happy to be in the company of others, genuinely happy to be truly themselves, them, to have control over their lives, their bodies, their moods, emotions, future, past. Past. Haha don’t even go there I don’t want to remember it any more. I’m so fed up. Completely, utterly fed up. I’ll write again later. It’s good to get it out of my system, I suppose.